I’ve been a stay at home mom for 5 years. Knowing I have started this family, helping my daughter grow, taking care of those I love most in this world is probably the best and most accomplished I’ve ever felt in my life. This life gives me purpose.
It’s also made me feel the most isolated I’ve ever felt.
There are always ups and downs in life, but I’d be lying if the down times were simple to get over. Lately, the mommy blues have really gotten to me in a very hard way. The tiny human isn’t so tiny anymore, meaning she is going to kindergarten this year full time. So from 830AM to 410PM the only companion I’ve had with me, the only other interaction I’ve had for 5 years is suddenly gone during the day.
The hubs also works more than he ever has. Don’t get me wrong, he loves what he does and has gone full force into this job so much that he has basically moved up as far as possible in just under 2 years and constantly gets employee of the month…because of how much he works. I am absolutely supportive of him, and immensely proud of how well he is doing, but my gosh I wish the conversations between us weren’t always about work.
When your hubs is gone all the time, your child is in school, the only married couple in your small circle of friends, and the only mother, the human interaction is incredibly lacking. Lacking so much that I feel awful when Hubs gets home because I feel like I gush all over him as soon as he walks through the door, while he is ready for relaxing after talking and dealing with dozens of people in a day.
And with no means of transportation, lacking of a car of my own, and living in a pretty rural area with basically nothing nearby, I only leave the house once every week or two.
I don’t mean for this to sound like constant complaints. Like I said, this life is probably the best decision I personally feel I’ve ever made for myself. I love the relationship and bond between me and my daughter, I love being the person my Hubs can depend on. I love taking care of my family and giving them a house that feels like a home, giving them good wholesome meals, making sure they feel loved.
However, the lack of adult conversation, lack of human interaction, and just being cooped up all day in the same house day after day does get to me at times.
I also start to lose sight of that feeling of accomplishment. When you’re a SAHM, there isn’t really anything to reassure your achievements during the day. There are no promotions, there is no employee of the month, there are no gold stars… so while I may do 100 tasks in one day, I start to feel like I’ve actually done nothing during the day. Everything is so routine, so similar, it all blurs into one single nothing.
At times, there is no glory in being a SAHM. Yes, two loads of dishes have been done. The counters are cleaned off. Laundry is folded and put away in everyone’s dressers. Living room has been vacuumed. Toys and clutter have been picked up. The child is fed, dressed, homework done and put away, lunches made. The pets are taken care of. Wait have I taken a shower today? No, the bathrooms need to be scrubbed. Let’s tackle that first. Hubs work clothes are washed and set out for the week. Dinner is thawing and prepared for that night.
But where is the glory in all that has been done? There will always be a never-ending to-do list. There will never be a light at the end of the tunnel when you are home all the time. When you start to see it as “what still needs to be done” as opposed to “what have I done today” and you repeat the same things, every day, all day, for five years, everything starts mulling together. Everything is just expected to be done with no appreciation or achievement, because that’s just how real life is.
I do realize at times like these I need to remind myself of the real purpose in everything. The real reason I’m doing these tasks, sacrificing so much of myself, who I’m sacrificing myself for. The typical mundane things I do as a SAHM every day DO have purpose I need to remind myself to just be kinder to myself. Because even when it’s all said and done I do appreciate the life I have, I am thankful for how hard Hubs works to provide for us all, and I am wholesomely glad to provide for him at home in return.
It’s just another battle of the blues.